Gender Loving Care?

Earlier this week, I read a blog post by Alpha Parent called Who is best to parent?  Boys or girls? It is an excellent article designed to help people who are dealing with gender disappointment.  I am twenty weeks pregnant and my husband and I have decided to keep the gender a surprise until delivery day.  This is our first child and I can honestly say that I will be thrilled with whatever we are blessed with; a boy or a girl.  It’s cliche, but I just hope for a healthy, happy baby.

The idea of gender disappointment does linger in the air though.  I’ve already heard comments from friends and family such as “I’m sure you’d love a boy to play hockey with” to my husband.  Will he be disappointed if the house is overflowing with pink things?  I admit that I feel I would be much more capable of raising a girl.  I don’t have brothers or nephews.  There are barely any boys in my family.  I feel unprepared.  But I also feel up to the challenge and part of me wants the uniqueness of having the first boy in the family!

Gender disappointment is a topic that I think needs to be discussed.  In my research, I read many stories of women who are dealing with it.  There was much talk of guilt and shame, keeping it to themselves and being afraid to love their child.  Though it doesn’t affect us all, I think it is much more common than it is talked about.  There are cultural and societal pressures regarding gender that can easily consume us.

So how do you cope with gender disappointment?  How do you overcome it? I think reading the above mentioned post is a good start!  It lists 100 benefits of raising each gender.  It is fascinating and will hopefully lend perspective to those who have lost it.  I think it is important to acknowledge your feelings.  Communicate with your spouse, doctor and/or someone you trust and work through your emotions.  Many people are insensitive to the issue and can only make you feel worse.

Did you face gender disappointment?  How did you deal with it?  What are your best resources that you want to share with other mom?  This is a safe and non-judging place.  All feelings are valid.

Here are some resources I found:
Secretly Sad: Overcoming Gender Disappointment

Help for those suffering from gender disappointment

6 thoughts on “Gender Loving Care?”

  1. We were told by the ultrasound guy that we were having a girl. I was thrilled!!! I WANTED a girl. After almost 3 hours of pushing, I was ready to meet my baby girl!!! Then my husband says:”it’s a boy”. Me:”what?!?!” he repeats… I say “crap!” but catch myself and say “everything’s pink!” ( I’d spent close to 450$ for the *perfect* pink cowgirl bedding set, bought online and I couldn’t return it). I spent the next week acting happy about my baby boy. I WANTED to be happy. I SHOULD be happy… I had a big, healthy baby! But I just wasn’t bonding. I never got that “woosh” of love I’d read about. Finally I realized I litteraly had to mourn for the baby girl I’d “lost” before I could fully celebrate the wonderful boy I had. So on week 2 I carefully went through all “Georgia”‘s stuff and put it away. I put away the cowgirl bedding and started sorting Hunter’s things (thanks to friends I was loaded with boy stuff after his arrival). Doing this helped me immensely. Dealing with it and accepting that it was ok to be sad, that I needed to be sad a bit before I could move on. Hunter is almost 10 months old now and I live him to pieces… And I wouldn’t trade him for a thousand girls… I do still hope he gets a sister next time, but I think we’ll wait till the birth to find out 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for sharing Julie. Your experience is very easy to relate to. I think it is so important that you mourned your “little girl”, to acknowledge these feelings instead of struggle to keep them in. I know that part of the reason we have decided to keep the gender a surprise until delivery day is so that nobody (friends and family included!) will be disappointed.

  2. With my first, I knew he was a boy even though we were determined not to find out – and we were “accidentally” told by the U/S tech when I was 36 weeks pregnant. With my second, I went through the agonizing choice of whether to find out since the baby was due less than two years after my first. If it was a boy, I didn’t need to buy anything but if it were a girl, shopping galore!!! I made the choice to find out at my 28 week u/s even though I was SURE I was having a girl the second time around.. I was truly sad to find out I was having a boy again but was happy I found out prior to the big day since I was able to mourn the “loss” of my little girl. I have two very (VERY) healthy little boys and wouldn’t trade them for the world. Not saying I’ll won’t try again for my little girl in a few years, but for right now, I’m happy to say I have two little men in my life.

    1. Thank you Alicia. I am so glad you shared your story. I think the more we talk about this issue, the better. It’s wonderful to hear that you were able to move through your emotions and are enjoying the many men in your life 😉

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